It’s the thought that counts

Photo: Edward Ebden

‘‘If they really loved me they’d have put a bit more thought into what they gave me’’. I  suspect I’m not the only one who will have at one time or another said this to myself as I unwrapped a gift that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Valentine’s Day – along with birthdays, Christmas and other important cultural celebrations in our personal calendar -  can be highly charged times for many of us. In some relationships couples also celebrate the first time they met/dated/kissed while others barely remember the date of their wedding anniversary. The amount of significance we give to our feelings of expectation and disappointment can cause us to believe that our loved ones don’t value as much as we think they should.

The grass is often greener ...

A former partner of mine was incredibly kind and generous in listening out for any mentions I made of bands I liked and buying me their latest CDs. Which was very lovely as I was crazy about music. Yet all the time, ungrateful person that I was, I dreamt of that surprising romantic gesture that would ‘sweep me off my feet’ – just like it happened in the movies.  

I was more than a little jealous of a friend of mine whose partner planned major surprises for her special occasions. He booked a trip to Rome (my favourite city) and a hot air balloon trip for two with champagne afterwards. Unfortunately my friend absolutely hated surprises. The idea of throwing clothes into a suitcase for an unknown destination stressed her excessively. And she was terrified of heights - something her poor husband had forgotten.  

It’s the context that counts

A few days ago my partner presented me with a bouquet of twenty red roses, telling me it was a little early for Valentine’s but he just wanted to show he loved and valued me. It was something I had always dreamt of receiving and I felt enormously grateful for this lovely gesture. However, it wasn’t so much that he gave me red roses but that he’d chosen a moment when he knew I was feeling somewhat insecure and unhappy. 

Unfortunately it also left me feeling rather guilty because the present I’d ordered for him had failed to turn up in the post, and I ended up wondering if I’d put enough thought and attention into my Valentine’s gift. I’m hoping that my partner understands that I’ve had a lot on my mind recently and won’t be upset that I failed to deliver on this occasion. (I will be offering to buy him a rose bush next time we are able to go to a garden centre, because he loves his plants.) 

Attributing meaning

We are human so we can’t help but attribute certain meanings to other people’s actions – or their lack of actions. But how much do we torment ourselves by choosing to believe that old chestnut: ‘If my partner really loved me they’d know how to show it’? (Romantic movies have a lot to answer for!) The reality is that other people aren’t mind readers and however much someone cares for us they can never know us the way we know ourselves. 

Different love languages

You may have grown up believing that if someone really loves you they will show it with the perfect present or by whispering the right words in your ear, but do you realise that people have different ways of expressing romantic love?  

The 5 Love Languages  - The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman, defines five different ways that individuals in relationships communicate and receive love. These are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Reading this book can be quite a revelation for anyone who doesn’t understand why their partner never tells them how much they love them but freely expresses deep hurt when they fail to put out the rubbish or walk the dog. 

Recognise different perspectives

It can be hard to recognise that our idea of the perfect gift or romantic gesture, may not be someone else’s. Some of us are crazy about cars while some of us are only concerned about getting from A to B without too much hassle. Just because a celebrity expresses their love by buying their partner a Jaguar E-type, it doesn’t mean that your lover will see this as the ultimate gift. They might be more concerned with saving the planet than owning a symbol of luxury performance and they might not want the expense of keeping such a vehicle. This gift might say a lot more about you than it does about them i.e. that you feel uncomfortable being seen with a person who drives an elderly Ford Mondeo. 

Talk about what matters

 If presents were an important part of your family’s culture or you spent your childhood feeling upset because your parents frequently forgot your birthday, it’s better to explain this to your partner. (But not by shouting at them because they’ve missed your wedding anniversary.) Tell them as early in the relationship as possible or if you’ve never done so before, choose a relaxed and happy moment to explain this to them. 

Say something like: ‘I know you think it’s fine to overlook Valentine’s Day or give me a lawnmower for my birthday, but I have this desire to feel recognised and appreciated and receiving presents that are just for me - however small - really matters to me.’ Maybe follow this up by acknowledging the kind things they already do for you (and if there are no kind things then maybe it’s time to have a good look at where your relationship is heading) and make sure you don’t sound complaining or resentful. 

Keeping it light - maybe with a touch of humour - offer to put a reminder on the calendar and tell them you will be dropping some unsubtle hints about the kinds of gift that you would enjoy. 

Ask them if there’s anything special that they would really like which you have been overlooking. They may use this as an opportunity to get something off their chest – like a moan about you never doing your share of the housework – but try not to take offence. They deserve to have their say too, and if you value them as much as you expect them to value you, you need to be prepared to meet them halfway. 

Be kind

You might have started your dating life with a copy of that book of so-called ‘rules’ about how to find a partner. It told you what was and wasn’t acceptable on a date and when to ditch someone when they didn’t meet the standard. It’s sad to think how many people missed out on a loving connection because the other person failed to ring at the ‘right’ time or didn’t buy flowers when they ‘should’ have done so. 

 It also created many expectations of what we had a right to expect from partners and many of us grew up feeling entitled to get very angry when our partner failed to comply with some ‘rule’ they never knew existed. And all too often our friends and family were there to support us by saying ‘They’re just not good enough for you! You need to get out of that relationship now.’

I’m not advocating that you stay with an abusive partner or someone whose values are totally incompatible to your own, but too many relationships get ditched because partners don’t know how to communicate with each other and believe that shouting is the only way to get through to one another. A bit of kindness and compassion goes a long way, and if we want our partner to be more thoughtful, then the best starting point is to look at how we can be more loving and supportive towards them. 

Instead of thinking ‘they never remember my birthday so I won’t be bothering with theirs,’ it’s an opportunity to show that your relationship is bigger than this kind of pettiness. Spoil your partner a little without expecting to get anything in return. Not because you are secretly hoping they will reciprocate but because you’ve remembered how rewarding it can be to kind and generous to someone else. 

In conclusion

Surprises or expensive gestures may be pleasant but what really counts, for most of us, is knowing that our partner has made the effort to think about us and recognise our individuality. A bar of our favourite soap or brand of chocolate can make us feel more valued than a humungous bouquet that triggers our hay fever! 

Henrietta Bond PCC, is a relationship coach with many years experience of supporting individuals and teams to create the most effective communication and ways of working together. She supports couples and individuals to create rewarding relationships by finding solutions which are unique to them and their situations. Find out more at https://rewarding-relationships.com/ or contact Henrietta on Henrietta@henriettabond.com or 07976 658345.